When we were forced to start this therapy stuff a year ago, I was under the premise that it was for the two of us (to better parent). Very quickly, the therapist turned it into a "It's All About Toni" venture, so we have been focusing on me and my “issues” pretty much every single week (at $162 a pop...I just received my FIRST REIMBURSEMENT OF THE YEAR from the insurance agency LAST WEEK). Since I have nothing to talk about (I am supposed to come in with issues to work on, but I have been handling life pretty well so I have nothing to address), the therapist digs up things to discuss. I have had to max out my credit cards (I have to pay cash/check for her sessions) in order to stay afloat in order to pay for this mess, and that has put a great strain on me financially.
The therapist knows that I resent coming, but "we" were told to come as part of the adoption agency's focus on us becoming better parents. When we recently told the agency what we were asked to do for homework in order to be better parents (holding), the rep. was very concerned, as that was not part of what they had planned for the therapy (throughout the year, I have told the therapist that "we" wanted to be following the guidelines which were set up by the agency, and we weren't doing so). The agency rep. was going to look into what was happening with the therapist, and get back to us. I have attempted to get feedback regarding "what was happening", but haven't heard back.
For the past several months, the therapist acknowledges my belief that I am there because I have to be (so it is being held over “us”).
Almost every session leaves me being angry:
· For wasting all of that money (therapist improperly coded her forms and the insurance agency decided to guess what she wanted to do instead of contacting me or the therapist).
· For focusing on stupid things (I once said "I told a dumb joke", and she ran with the fact that I might have insecurity or self hate issues).
· For constantly having to put up with her jumping here or there, trying to have something to keep “us” (me) there
· Knowing that this venture is “me” thing, and not an “us” thing…He sits there and tries to offer assistance, but what can he do when the focus is a “me” thing.
· Knowing that if “we” stop going, that the agency will be frown upon it.
Who do I take my frustrations out on (vent to)? The guy who is trapped with me in the car. I have repeatedly told him that I have had it, and that I rather not have a child if it means wasting my life (and money) and being angry (which turns towards anger towards him because I don’t think he’s offering enough for me in the sessions). These sessions are actually eating away at our relationship. As strong as we were with T. (dealing with his issues brought us closer), this therapy is tearing us apart.
The new thing “we” started this week is trying to feel the emotion in the body (sitting quietly, “Where do you feel fear? Where do you feel anger?.....”This takes a great deal of time to learn”….The door opened to hours of more and more wasted sessions. Am I wrong in this assessment? I don’t have anger issues (I’m an introvert), and I am big with journaling (can’t you tell, I love to write), so I vent a lot.
My mother-in-law (my 2nd best friend), has told me to stop going to that therapist, as it is destroying us. The therapist knows that we are so focusing on keeping the good graces with the adoption agency, and that we are sort of being held hostage…Mom always has such great advice, and I’m ready to jump ship.
I want to be able to justify our decision to our adoption agency, as we just got our home study approved last week. Any suggestions?