I was struck when I was reading the Gesell Institute's Child Behavior in the early 60s that babies and toddlers think that when a parent leaves for work that they are dying. This links with what Aus is saying about permanency.

Thus, I have listed children's milestones in understanding death.


Childrens Understanding of Death
It is important to understand a childs developmental level in order to talk about death in a language they will understand. Children need information, but giving them more than they can understand is not helpful. In fact, it may confuse them. Ask the child questions to obtain an understanding of what s/he already knows about dying. Encourage the child to talk openly and to ask questions themselves. The following list is a guide to childrens developmental stages and reactions to death.

Up to three years, a child

Doesnt yet understand what death is.
Can sense the feelings of adults.
Depends upon nonverbal communications.
Needs physical care, affection, reassurances.
Wont remember the deceased person.
Three to five years, a child

Views death as being temporary.
Questions the cause of death.
May believe that the loss of a loved one is a punishment.
Has difficulty understanding abstractions such as heaven.
Feels sadness, but this emotion may be short-lived.
Regresses (may act more immature than s/he did before the deceaseds illness or death).
May act aggressively such as hitting or yelling.
Idealizes the lost person (remembering only the best about the deceased).
Gives up attachment to the deceased and attaches to substitute people (teachers, neighbors, etc.).
Escapes into play at times to relieve the reality of the loss.
May seem not to be reacting to the loss at all.
Needs reassurance, love, care, honesty, daily routine and structure
You may discover as you read through these items some similarities between childrens thoughts and reactions and your own. Do not be alarmed; these are human reactions to loss and we were all children once.

Five to ten years, a child

Begins to conceive of the finality of death.
Has a fear of dying and of others dying.
May feel anger at the person for leaving and guilt (blames self for death).
Has difficulty expressing feelings in words.
Expresses feelings through behavior; for example, exhibits compulsive caregiving and good behavior, or demonstrates aggressiveness as a defense against feeling helpless.
Asks concrete questions such as What happened to the body?
Identifies with the deceased person as a means of hanging on to that person; for example, taking up wearing a hat the way grandpa did, or whistling mothers favorite song the way she did.
Still has difficulty comprehending abstractions such as heaven.
Ten to eighteen years, a child

Recognizes the irreversible nature of death.
May be troubled about his/her own death.
Uses the denial defense mechanism, acting as if nothing has happened.
Uses suppression, that is, tries not to think about the loss and doesnt want to talk about it.
May have fears of the future.
May hide feelings.
May express feelings of anger, but repress sadness and act depressed.
May have physical complaints; some may be similar to the ones of the deceased.
Questions religious beliefs.