Later post responding to a parent who asked me what to expect when their older child came home:

Sometimes half of the battle is knowing what to expect. When we did our research on older child adoption, we did not read anything about many of the issues we had. However, when we started talking to the parents that had adopted, we seemed to find a lot a behavior in common. It was surprising to me that Joselin was having major sulks because I wouldn't buy her everything she wanted. In my mind, we had given her so much already and I don't buy everything for the other kids in the home either. Now, I realize that many kids react that way and that helped.

My advise is to plan for the worse and pray for the best. The following are some things that I did that I found to be successful.

-I personally would not have the two kids in the same bedroom. I would also put a baby monitor in one of the bedrooms so you know that there aren't any late night visits. My daughters shared a bedroom for a little while. They are both 11 years old and it seemed natural. However, after listening on the baby monitor, I realized that Sarah was being picked on in her own space and it wasn't fair to her so I moved Joselin to her own room. Funny thing is, Joselin wanted her own room but on the first night she said she had never slept alone before and needed a night light. This really helped their relationship. They started getting along great after they didn't have the conflict of the bedroom.

-My daughter started school soon after coming home. This turned out to be a very good choice for her. It has allowed her to learn social skills and gave me a break. It also allowed for a lot of structure in her day that we didn't have in the home.

-We also started her at ESL classes at church and this was great for her. She was able to interact with other spanish speaking members of our community.

-Do have someone on hand that can speak spanish to help explain the rules of your home. Have them come to your home and answer all of her questions and to tell her things you think are important. Also, have a support group of spanish speakers that you can call if issues come up. I had three people I could call to translate if needed. Most of the time it was needed when Joselin got off the bus and was trying to explain something to me that happened at school. She learned to just get the phone to call for translation! LOL This was needed for only the first 3 to 4 months. By six months we were doing pretty well. I would try to learn some basic spanish questions or words; are you hungry, are you hurt and such.

-Do start right off with what rules you will have. Bedtimes, chores, etc.

-Do get some videos in Spanish. After school or at the end of the day, Joselin would be stressed. We would allow her to veg out in front of the TV and watch movies in a language she could understand. Slowly, she started watching the english movies and actually learned some of her english from them.

-Don't assume that she knows the same social behaviors that we have here. I remember one day Joselin saw a lady that had dyed her hair a strange color. She said out LOUD, "mom look at that lady, her hair is funny". LOL, you should have seen the other kids react. They promptly told her that you don't point at people and talk loudly about them. My son said he wanted to hide under the table. Because the other kids acted so strongly, Joselin actually never did that again. Now she will come to me and whisper what she wants to say about others. This is something we teach our kids when they are toddlers, but she had never learned it. Knowing this, sometimes we still hit on little things that we are surprised that she does differently.

I am sure that there are many more ideas you could get from folks here or on the yahoo site for older adopted children. I kept up this journal, because sometimes things get forgotten as you are living your daily lives.

One thing to keep in mind, when I asked my daughter what she expected when she came here she said she thought that learning english would be easier, she thought she would get everything she ever wanted, she didn't realize that she would have rules and chores and that school would be so hard. She just didn't realize that it would be so hard to give up everything she knew to come to a place where she knew nothing. I think that one of the hardest things was in the beginning, I know she felt isolated.

Just yesterday Joselin said she was happy. I asked her why she was happy and she said because she is here; we don't hit her, we don't fight, dad doesn't drink, we have food, clothes, a school to go to - basically security. She has really come a long way.
Felicia